Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
