fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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