My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
