Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
