Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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