Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is the high leading the old right now
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
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