you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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