On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
