My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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