She is in my trunk
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
