my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize