My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize