next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize