he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
