During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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