Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
