We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
