Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
