I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
