We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
