im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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