is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
