i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
