I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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