Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
