my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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