Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
