Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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