We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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