GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
