i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
