i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
