I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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