i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
