i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
