I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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