I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He passed out mid-signature
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
