i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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