i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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