Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
