I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So much rum. So many feels.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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