My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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