dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
