Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
