My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The air taste purple.
Randomize
