I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
