I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
