Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
