if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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