Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
