My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
