Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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