we have officially lost it.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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