They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Shame is for Republicans.
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