i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
