we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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