Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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