My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
