went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
